Exit interviews: leave with a smile or spill the beans? Reader J wonders whether she should complain about her rude and dismissive boss when quitting, and I can’t wait to hear what the readers say:

I will be giving my notice to quit my current job within the next couple of weeks, and I’m struggling with how much to say. On the one hand, I don’t want to burn any bridges. I have good relationships with almost everyone I work with, and I want to preserve those relationships.

On the other hand, there is one partner who I work for that is disrespectful, rude and dismissive, and he is the main reason I’m leaving.

Are people generally honest about that type of thing when they quit and do you recommend that I say something? Or do most people stick with a stock line – e.g., I learned a lot here but I got a great new opportunity.

We got into exit interviews a bit when we talked about how to resign gracefully, but I’m curious what the hivemind is on this one: Should you tell employers the reason you’re quitting?

My Advice on How Much to Say In Your Exit Interview

I’m going to stick with my gut here and say you should resign with a smile and keep your lips sealed regarding any bad working situations.

My guess is you’re not going to accomplish anything by sharing them, and you may tarnish your own reputation by saying something. If the hiring office (or whoever administers your exit interview) knows about Person X’s attitude, then you’re not telling them anything new. And if they don’t know about Person X’s attitude, they will most likely chalk it up to a “personality conflict,” and leave it at that.

Realistically, from a senior management perspective, they probably don’t care about Person X’s attitude — as long as Person X can bring in clients/money/do their job well, they don’t really care how they treats their underlings.

Furthermore, by mentioning negatives at your exit interview you may come off as a whiner. I say, leave with a smile, with as much goodwill as you can. You never know what you may want from the firm in the future (good recommendations, connections — perhaps even from Person X).

Readers, what do you think — have you mentioned bad experiences in your exit interviews? How were you received?

Psst… some of our latest discussions on quitting…

• How Often Do You Fantasize About Quitting?
• Exit Interviews: Leave With a Smile
• Disengaging Instead of Quitting (vs. Leaning Out vs. Work-Life Balance)
• Are You Part of the “Great Resignation”?
• How to Write a Resignation Letter

Updated images (handshake) via Stencil. Original image (sunset): Quitting time (lomo variant), originally uploaded to Flickr by greg.turner.)

This post was originally written in 2011, but updated substantially as indicated.

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Readers recently had a great discussion on how to set boundaries with clients and coworkers who take advantage of your time, skills, and efforts — but it’s a huge topic, so let’s discuss! What are your best tips for setting boundaries with coworkers and clients?

I think it’s important to note at the outset that coworkers are different than clients are different than bosses — and most of the advice herein applies to coworkers most strongly. Keep in mind that bosses and clients may expect you to answer questions that ultimately lead nowhere — that isn’t an intentional wasting of your time (or busywork), but rather the normal part of doing business.

Some of our previous discussions may also be of help here — we’ve talked about the colleague who takes credit for your work, how to tell your boss you’re not her personal assistant, and what to do with the client who hits on you.

How to Set Boundaries with Coworkers Who Take Advantage Of Your Time, Skills, and Efforts

That said, here are some of my best tips on how to set boundaries with these types of people:

Set boundaries on your time. I always appreciate when people note that they will not be responding to email until Monday morning, for example. Know your office, though!

Pass the buck. This won’t work with everyone — but if that coworker of yours keeps finding sneaky ways to make you do their work, it’s OK to refer repeat offenders to other people. “You know who would know this? Jim in marketing!” (This would work less with clients or with bosses!)

Make it clear where they are in your list of priorities. “I have to get done X, Y, and Z for other people, and then maybe I can spend 15 minutes helping you with this.”

Get them out of your space. You may also want to refer to our post on how to deal with chatty coworkers, because a lot of the tips will work there, as well — it’s especially important to get this person out of your space because you kind of get trapped into the conversation then. Walk to the printer with them or go to the office coffee station — that way, there’s an obvious moment where you can say, “OK, great talk, I’ll see you later!”

When this came up with the readers, some of their tips were also amazing:

One reader noted that the tone is important — you can be warm and kind without leaving space for negotiation.

Be assertive in content, but not in tone, i.e., “Unfortunately, I won’t have bandwidth this week for this task. You can try asking X if he can take it on.”

Don’t get mad at people for asking you for things and don’t get preemptively defensive. Less is more – you don’t have to explain yourself or justify anything. Be as warm and kind with it as possible, but don’t leave space for negotiation.

Another reader stressed setting time/space boundaries, as well as putting her own priorities first:

Send an email while I’m commuting home? If it’s about something for the next morning I’ll answer it after I’ve had my dinner, not in a hungry, hangry rush before I eat. If it’s not about the next morning I’ll reply once I get to work in the morning. Teams chat me while I’m taking a break for a walk outside? If it’s not something that needs to be done that minute I’ll address it in 1/2 hour when I’m back. Basically I put my own priorities in terms of schedule, work, etc., ahead of others in all cases unless it’s something that needs to be dealt with quickly at that minute. And I stopped ever apologizing “for the slow reply.” If they have an issue they can raise it, but I don’t preemptively apologize anymore.

And guess what? Nothing has ever come up that made this strategy a problem, and I stopped feeling like I couldn’t budge from my seat or take time for personal priorities because I needed to be able to respond at a moment’s notice.

A third reader noted that she stops being so useful to the offender:

Set the boundary and then stop being so useful to them, e.g., coworker who emails me instead of the help inbox. The first time I answer and tell them the help inbox is where they should direct questions like this in the future. Any subsequent times they email me I don’t respond for 1-2 days (and still redirect them to the help inbox). Eventually they realize the help inbox is more useful and quicker than emailing me.

Readers, have you had this come up? What are your best solutions for setting boundaries with coworkers who take advantage of you? If you’ve felt like you needed to set boundaries with your boss or a client, what are your best tips for that?

Stock photo via Stencil.

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Here’s a fun little question today: Which annoying coworker habits have you experienced over the years? Which are your least favorite? Do you think any of them are going to be gone for good (for one reason or another) thanks to the changes over the past few years?

For my $.02, some of the annoying coworker habits that stand out in my mind include:

The Loud, Bombastic Talker: When I got my first office of my very own, the guy in the office next door was much senior to me, and his work involved a ton of Very Important Calls. I know this because he had a habit of taking them on speakerphone, shouting at the top of his lungs like a frat bro in a crowded bar at 2 a.m. We had an open door culture, too — and after a while I learned that if I needed to get focused, intense work done, I had to reserve a conference room, work from home, or work after he’d left for the day.

The Drama Llama: Do you ever have a friend who stops by for a “quick little hello” at your desk, and after three minutes gets into an hour-long story that requires your full attention? Usually with some variation of drama that has been going on for a loooong time such as an on-again, off-again relationship or a family squabble? It’s especially funny to me because looking back, every person I’ve known like this has no interest in being your friend once you change workplaces. (A few of these people inspired our discussion on how to handle chatty coworkers.)

{related: do you keep your personal life private at work?}

The “Too Important for Basic Self-Care”: Another coworker habit I’ve seen a few times: the person who feels so important that they will not take care of themselves in basic ways. This is the person who comes to work sick and/or is back in the office working again the day after major surgery. The person who is up all night perfecting things that… probably would’ve been better corrected after a few hours of sleep. The person who can’t be bothered to eat lunch on busy days, but then turns into the Worst Version of Themselves after they get hangry.

(On the flip side, I have no problems with messy coworkers — as long as it doesn’t extend to my/public spaces — and I’m usually the person who can stand to work with the difficult coworker, whether it’s a dude who thinks he’s The Next Big Thing, or the actually brilliant boss who throws temper tantrums.)

{related: how to deal with extreme coworkers}

What are some of the most annoying coworker habits you’ve seen, readers? Which are your least favorite? (Stories, please!!!)

Stock photo via Deposit Photos / iofoto.

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A reader wrote in, wondering what to wear to the wedding of a colleague… what are your best tips, readers? What have you worn to weddings of colleagues — and what would you expect colleagues to wear to your wedding?

I am a mid-level law associate and my husband is a teaching physician at a local hospital. His boss is getting married in DC in April. It is the bride’s first marriage and it will be a huge event. The wedding is at 5 and then dinner and dancing at 6 at a country club. I have NO idea what to wear.

Can I wear a black cocktail dress? I am so bad at these things and I want to make a good impression for my husband and look professional for my own benefit! This may seem like an elementary question, but did I mention I am fashionably challenged? (One more thing:  I am barely thirty, but my husband is a good ten years older. I don’t want to look like a airhead, but I don’t want to look old for my age either!)

Weddings, in general, are fraught with chances for fashion errors. What is appropriate — or inappropriate — tends to be very region-specific, as well as wedding-specific.

{related: here are some fancy but easy updos for the office or beyond}

What to Wear to the Wedding of a Colleague

Take your cues from the invitation — the wording of the invitation (are middle names used? does she call her groom a “Mr.”? is “honor” spelled with a u?) and the style of the invitation (is it entirely in script? was there an inner/outer envelope? are there any quirky touches to it?) will give you an idea of what the bride is aiming at for the wedding.

As always, pay attention to the dress code listed on the invitation. If it says “black tie,” that typically means formal evening attire for women — a floor-length gown or dress is appropriate.

For semi-formal or cocktail attire, opt for a longer dress or skirt and blouse combination. And if it’s listed as casual or beach attire, go for a sundress or chic separates.

{related: the best semi-formal attire for business events}

In general, avoid wearing black or white to a wedding — we know a lot of places where black is still seen as a color of mourning. D.C. walks a fine line between being a cosmopolitan city on the East Coast, and a Southern city — we’d avoid black if at all possible. 

{related: what to wear to a business cocktail party}

Instead, try to stick with jewel tones or pastels. If you want to wear white, opt for a cream or off-white shade instead. And remember that at some venues and religious ceremonies, it might be appropriate to bring a wrap or shawl in case your shoulders need covering.

Above all, use good judgment and consider the formality and location of the wedding before selecting your outfit.

(If all you’ve got is a black cocktail dress, be sure to wear a very colorful, happy wrap, as well as bag and shoes.)

{related: what to wear to summer cocktail parties for the office}

That said, look for a dress that isn’t too short, too low cut, too frothy, too shiny, or too bedazzled — because your husband is slightly older you may even want to go for a more demure, knee-length dress. Note that Rent the Runway has a whole “Weddings” section, including Black-Tie Affair-appropriate dresses.

(Want $30 off your first Rent the Runway order? Here’s our referral code.)

{related: what not to wear to a black-tie affair for work}

Some Of Our Latest Favorite Subdued Party Dresses

Some of our favorite jumpsuits and party dresses for professional settings include these as of Oct. 2022… depending on the event, you may also want to check out our latest favorite colorful sheath dresses (great for alumni events, or just get darker colors like navy).

{related: how to do black tie on a budget}

After-Party Attire: Our Favorite Foldable Flats

Lastly, don’t forget about footwear — depending on the venue and your outfit choice, you may want to bring along ballet flats or dressy sandals in case you need them for comfort.

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2019 Update: We still stand by this discussion of how to keep your personal life private at work — but you may also want to check out our most recent discussions of work-life boundaries, as well as our discussion of

Keeping aspects of your personal life private at work may feel necessary to you, or it may just be a personal preference. Maybe you’re worried that certain information about your life outside of work will make you a source of coworker gossip, or lead people to stereotype you, or even cost you your job. Or maybe you feel that some parts of your personal life simply aren’t anyone’s business.

We thought it’d be interesting to talk about the things that readers prefer to keep quiet at the office, so do tell: Do you keep certain parts of your personal life private at work? Which parts, and why? 

We’ve frequently discussed this issue in the past, including discussions on how to deal with nosy coworkers and handle political talk at the office, and LOTS of talk on medical issues: how to announce your pregnancy at work, decide whether to tell coworkers about your miscarriage, deal with frequent doctors’ appointments, make time for therapy, and share a diagnosis such as ADHD or autism.

The posts linked above highlight some possibilities for topics you’d rather your coworkers didn’t know about — but of course, there are many other issues that you might only feel comfortable discussing with friends and/or family members.

{related: where do you draw the line between personal and private at work}

Do you tend to keep your personal life private at work, or are you more of an open book? What would you rather not reveal to your coworkers? Health problems, religious beliefs, family issues, certain hobbies or activities, political views, tattoos/piercings? 

On the flip side, is there anything you’ve discovered about a coworker’s personal life that made you see that person differently, either in positive or negative ways?

I connected with several women who shared aspects of their lives that they feel they shouldn’t or can’t share at work. That information included everything from mental health conditions to political views.

I enjoy the series “25 Famous Women On” at The Cut (they do similar roundups with not-so-famous women, too), so here’s “14 Women on Keeping Your Personal Life Private at Work”:

1. Helen M., Seattle: “One thing I typically keep to myself is that I attend church. I’ve found it exhausting to combat the assumption that practicing religion [equals] conservative and/or fundamentalist. This is not just at work but also socially.”

2. Natasha C., Rochester, New York: “My workplace is very conservative, so I keep my LGBT status and liberal political leanings very quiet, except among a few, who also keep these secrets. You just never know what people will do to hurt your career because they don’t agree with your ‘lifestyle choices.'”

3. Ashley Austrew, Omaha, Nebraska: “I don’t talk about my depression and anxiety with coworkers, even though I am a writer and have written about it quite a bit. For some reason, talking about it makes me feel like they will see me differently, even if I know they’ve probably read things I’ve said about it.”

4. Kerry, New Jersey: “I have Type 1 diabetes and am legally blind in one eye. Oh, and I’m a transplant recipient. And chose my profession based on how long I was projected to keep my eyesight at age 22.”

5. Karin, New York City: “I don’t feel like explaining my whole life to coworkers; they usually don’t share my interests or life experiences so it’s more likely to cause them to view me as an outsider. And that doesn’t help my career prospects. Once you become ‘other,’ you’ll never be seen as part of the team and they’ll get rid of you first.”

6. Chris M., Rhode Island: “I’m a quiet person, so I probably don’t share a lot unless in a one-on-one discussion with a coworker that I am comfortable with. I don’t discuss my husband’s depression and limit what I discuss of a personal nature with anyone in a position above me. I should add that I’m in a manager role, too, so I try to walk the line of what I present to others carefully. I want to make sure people feel comfortable coming to me, so in that way I share some of my personal struggles in way to help them know they are not alone, but I pick and choose what I share carefully.”

7. Allison R., Chicago [formerly of San Francisco]: “I keep any strong feelings I have that comment on other people’s life choices private (religion, politics, drugs, last name-changing, etc.) but I have a few colleagues I talk to about most things, as we are friends. Though in San Francisco especially, most people would joke about drugs at my workplace a bit. Generally things that are too opinionated, I try to keep to myself.”

8. K.G., Pennsylvania: “The fact that I’m actually a pretty soft-spoken and quiet person outside of work. I’m way more assertive and direct at work than anywhere else (working on extending that to my personal life).”

9. Yu, California: “Something I don’t tell my colleagues is that I’m a pole dancer. I do it mostly for fitness purposes, since pole requires lots of strength. I perform in dance studios’ showcases occasionally. At my previous workplace I told my colleagues and my supervisors because it was a very supportive environment. I’m at a new place now so I’m unsure about revealing it yet.”

10. Sarah A., Ardmore, Pennsylvania: “My queerness, my mental health problems (I’ve always been told talking about my depression and anxiety could scare away potential employers), my weight, my income (this is a big one, I feel like people casually talk about their expenses and other things that make me super uncomfortable to discuss), my outside-of-work attire and tattoos/aesthetic.”

11. L.R., Alabama: “The fact that I am leaving the job as soon as possible because I dislike this town and my spouse detests everything about living in Alabama. Everyone I work with is a lifer who loves it here.”

12. Sara B., Maryland: “Working with two male physicians who are both older (and have more experience) than I do, I am careful to appear confident in my decisions, even when I’m more like 95% confident most of the time. I am generally too quick to share my insecurities with coworkers and I believe this is something more common to women in the workplace. Also, I save my complaining for home.”

13. A.L., Boston: “I’m non-monogamous/polyamorous. I live with a partner of six years who has another partner of five years.”

14. J.M., Indianapolis: “I don’t reveal how nerdy I really am. My line of work tends to value ‘cool,’ and I am decidedly uncool. I get excited about stuff nobody at work could ever identify with. I really have to tone this down at work and fake coolness.”

Let’s hear from you, readers: Are you careful to keep aspects of your personal life private at work, or are you more laid-back about it? If it’s the former, is that because you learned the hard way that being open about some things can be risky? Have you shared things at one employer that you’ve kept quiet at another?

Do you reveal details to work friends that you’d never mention to your boss? (To go with  yesterday’s discussion on the idea of having distinct wardrobes for the weekend you vs. weekday you, how different do you choose to look when you’re “off-duty,” if at all?)

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If you’re doing well in your job, but your supervisor and coworkers don’t know that you’re autistic, should you tell them? Should you let them know when you interview, when you start work, or only if you need specific accommodations and/or if problems arise? We recently heard from an autistic lawyer who is trying to make that decision:

Reader M asks:

I’ve been recently diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. It’s not a huge surprise, an assessment was begun when I was a child and discontinued because my parents were concerned about me being labeled. Now, before my diagnosis I skipped three grades, entered law school young enough that I was the youngest woman there for all three years, did incredibly well at my bar exam, and have been successfully employed. Should I go public with my diagnosis? What could go wrong?

This is a really interesting question. We haven’t talked about autism before, but we recently discussed how to manage ADHD in the workplace (incidentally, up to 50% of people with autism show signs of ADHD), and we’ve also shared advice on disclosing other personal/medical information at work, such as how to announce your pregnancy at work, as well as tips for handling frequent doctors’ appointments and making time for therapy.

Note to readers: Some people on the autism spectrum prefer being referred to as “a person with autism,” while many identify themselves as “an autistic person.” (This is framed as person-first vs. identity-first language.) We don’t know what Reader M prefers, so we’re using both.

For readers who don’t know a lot about autism, here are a few facts to frame the conversation about ASD and the office:

• The term “Asperger’s syndrome,” once used to refer to people with “high-functioning” autism (although the “high”/”low” binary is not ideal), was rolled into the general diagnosis of “autism spectrum disorder” (ASD) in 2013 (not without controversy).
• Each person on the spectrum has different skills and challenges, as this comic and color wheel by Rebecca Burgess illustrates. As the saying goes, “If you’ve met one person with autism … you’ve met one person with autism.” Not all autistic people “think in pictures” like Temple Grandin; not all are great at holding thousands of line of code in their head like the Silicon Valley programmers Steve Silberman writes about; and not all act like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory or Raymond from Rain Man.
• Autism can present differently in girls and women, which often leads to misdiagnosis, missed diagnosis, and/or late diagnosis. Also, women are generally more successful than men at camouflaging signs of autism.
• The most recent CDC report on autism among children estimates that 1 in 59 had a diagnosis of autism by age 8, and studies have found that between 1% and 2% of adults are autistic (in North America, Europe, and Asia).

We sought advice from the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, which “seeks to advance the principles of the disability rights movement with regard to autism,” and certified coach Barbara Bissonnette, who offers career development, job coaching, and workplace advocacy for people with Asperger’s through Forward Motion Coaching.

Before we share advice from ASAN, we’ll pass on their personal message to Reader M: “Congratulations on learning more about yourself, and for reaching out. We’re glad to know you’re part of our world.” (As their email response was a joint effort, we aren’t attributing their quotes to a single person.) Here is their input:

Realize that being openly autistic at work can have an impact beyond your own experience. “[It] can also help make your workplace more welcoming for autistic and disabled employees who come after you. … [Y]ou can challenge people’s preconceived ideas and make your field more accepting,” say the folks at ASAN.

Still, consider the risks: “People can change the way they see you, or start looking at you through a stereotypical lens,” says ASAN. “Sometimes, if the way they treat you differently is subtle, it can be hard to prove that they are discriminating against you or make them stop.” (Ed. Note: See this recent Ask a Manager post.)

Know that your experience may be a mixed bag: “We know autistic lawyers who are successfully practicing in their fields (we have a couple working here at ASAN!). We have also heard about autistic people being discriminated against in law — for example, an employer limiting an autistic lawyer’s access to clients after learning about their disability.”

Do some research specific to your field: “We aren’t aware of any states which would not let you be admitted to the bar because of an autism diagnosis, but it is a good idea to check your state’s bar questions to be sure. It might also be helpful to check out the ABA’s Commission on Disability Rights, which has a disabled attorney mentoring program.”

Remember, it’s all up to you. “[D]isclosing your disability at work is a personal decision, and it is yours alone to make,” says ASAN.

Here are some of Barbara Bissonnette’s tips for Reader M on whether she should tell her colleagues that she’s autistic:

Learn how the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) protects you — and your employer. Your employer must make “reasonable accommodations for qualified employees who disclose,” says Bissonnette, who adds, “the modification cannot cause an undue hardship to the employer.”

Make a list of the challenges you face at work and be proactive by requesting accommodations. “Make sure that your list does not contain problems related to basic job readiness,” says Bissonnette, who suggests The Job Accommodation Network as a resource, and offers a free guide on her website called Workplace Disclosure Strategies for Individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome & Nonverbal Learning Disorder. You’ll likely need a doctor or another qualified provider to verify your diagnosis, she says.

Make sure HR documents your request and works with your manager. Otherwise, you’re in charge of who knows about your diagnosis. “You can choose to keep it confidential, between human resources and your supervisor,” says Bissonnette. “Or you can identify specific coworkers whom you want to know.”

Be prepared for your employer to counter with alternative accommodations. “Be professional, and demonstrate a positive attitude and willingness to compromise. Making demands and threatening legal action puts the employer on the defensive.”

If you are a lawyer with autism (or work in any another field), what would your advice be for Reader M? In your opinion, should you tell your colleagues that you’re autistic? If you are open about your autism at work, what have been the pros and cons? Readers with any disability/condition that has led you to request accommodations at work: Were your efforts successful? Would you have done differently?

Psst: Here’s a recent discussion at Spectrum News on the risks and benefits of disclosing your autism diagnosis to future and current employers.

Stock image via Deposit Photos / monkeybusiness.

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